In the back of your mind …
This morning, thanks to a rare weekday morning (other than Fridays) at home, I had a great workout with Noah. I was updating him on the visit I had with my new doctor last week, and let him know that I was feeling pretty good this week, knowing that I was working with her to get my thyroid at the right place. I said “and if I can get myself back on track with good eating and exercise, maybe I can finally break this stall.” He said yep, and hopefully the thyroid meds will help with the attitude adjustment because “in the back of your mind you were probably thinking ‘why bother?’”
And he’s right. There’s been a lot of junk in the back of my mind the last few months that’s been affecting the “front” of my mind (that part that says “exercise, you’ll feel better” and says “eat well, eating too much junk food only makes you crankier” and says “you’re strong, go get ‘em.” The back of my mind has been winning out, only I don’t think I saw it with clarity till Noah said that this morning.
The back of my mind said “you’ll always struggle with your weight, why bother?” The back of my mind said “even when you’re working out in the morning, your job is still so stressful it’s not helping much, why bother?” The back of my mind said “They’re bringing cookies in and you already had one so why not have two, why bother being thoughtful about food?” The back of my mind said “You eat right and exercise and you’ve still gotten sick a bunch of times in the last few months, so why bother?” The back of my mind says “Your thyroid’s fucked up so you’re not going to be able to lose weight or manage anxiety anyway, so why bother?”
Why bother indeed? It’s good to remind myself of it from time to time when I wonder, when I get off track.
I bother because I like to feel strong, not weak. It doesn’t mean I’m going to feel amazing every day but on the whole, a healthy lifestyle makes me feel better. I bother because I do still want to maintain the weight I’ve lost and lose whatever more it takes to get my body to a happy equilibrium. I bother because I like to see improvements in my fitness and endurance. I bother because I have things I want to do, places I want to go, all of which involve being healthy and fit enough to enjoy them. I bother because if I care enough to work with my doctor on the thyroid (and all my other symptoms, which go way beyond weight loss/gain issues), then I want to be sure that I’m maximizing the benefits of getting those thyroid levels where they belong. I bother because I’m pushing 40 and the reality is that I have to work a little harder to feel good these days!
Bottom line is, I bother because it matters. I believe that I have a lot of control over my own well-being. Just need to remind myself of that sometimes.